Choose a section to read questions and answers from Dr. Levy and Dr. Hopkins-Naylor.

• Child Sexual Abuse
• Preschoolers and Young Children
• Teenagers
• Family Resolutions
• Divorce

Child Sexual Abuse

1.         Does child sexual abuse really occur so frequently?

It’s a good idea to stay calm when this topic becomes media frenzy and not panic.  However, it’s also a good idea to know the facts about the prevalence of child sexual abuse, and about perpetrators.  It is estimated that approximately 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be abused in some form by their 18^th birthdays.  Think of your daughter/niece/neighbor, etc., and imagine four of her friends.  One has already been abused, or will be, in some manner.  Please do not assume that affluence or the right neighborhood or culture will protect you from sexual abuse because that is simply untrue.  Victims of sexual abuse typically know their perpetrators very well, and child molesters work very diligently to earn the trust of family members.  So don’t worry to the point that you don’t permit your child to go outside your house, but stay cautious, educated and involved.

2.         What is the “age of consent”?

This is the age at which a child can legally consent to engaging in sexual acts with other people in their age range.  In Georgia, that age is 16 years old.

3.         How can I talk to my children about sexual abuse without scaring them?

Start early and have frequent conversations about privacy, boundaries, safety, and rules.  Use themes on TV shows and movies to help direct conversations.  Your young children should know that their genital areas are private, and that they have permission to tell others not to look at them or touch them there.  It’s a good idea to name specific people in the child’s life as examples of people who should not touch them or look at them.  Teach your child about intuition – if it doesn’t feel right, they should tell.  Be sure your child knows that he or she has your permission to say no to an adult if they feel uncomfortable about something!

4.         I’m sure I don’t really have to worry about child sexual abuse – my child is always at school/daycare, or with family members. Right?

Most child abusers are family members or people very well known to children and their families (see #1).  Beware of adults or older kids who voluntarily spend extra time with your kids (without compensation), or request extra time alone with them.  Adults and older kids should have interests other than young children!  Communicate with people who have contact with your children and be sure they know that you are involved in your child’s life.

5.         It’s too embarrassing for me to say those words – won’t my child learn about sex at school anyway?!

Practice in the mirror.  Then practice again.  Avoiding conversations about sex and sexuality teaches your child that it’s not OK to talk about their bodies, their body parts are shameful, and communicating about them is against the rules.  We want to be sure our children know that they can come to us with questions and communicate with us even if they feel embarrassed – parents need to model an open attitude!  And, do you really want your child to learn about sex from friends at school?

Preschoolers and Young Children

6.  Why must my preschooler whine so much?!

It’s difficult and can be quite stressful to listen to preschoolers whining.  Try, challenging though it may be, to recognize that preschoolers whine when they feel unsure about the best way to handle a situation, or when they feel they are not being heard.  So try to let your preschooler know that what they have to say is important, that they do have the words to share how they feel and that you’re listening. Also let them know that you will be more responsive if they use their “big voices”.  And finally, know that it’s a stage (sometimes a long stage, but still a stage!).

7.         Is my 4 year-old son’s hitting really such a big problem?

Aggression, in any form, is not acceptable and should not be tolerated.  Although your son is only 4 years old and may not get into any serious trouble at this point, your acceptance of the behavior teaches him that you believe it’s OK to hurt others – the opposite of what our children should learn from us.  If your son or daughter just “plays rough”, be sure to explain that playing should not hurt other people, and there are lots of ways to play without aggression.  However, it is also important to explore whether the aggression is related to feelings such as frustration, anger, sadness, etc., and address the underlying problem.

8.         I want to be the person my child comes to, but how can I be sure I will be?

You can’t be sure, but you can lay some important groundwork.  Let your children know that your #1 priority is protecting them, no matter what else seems important.  Let them know that nothing they tell you will make you see them any differently or love them less, and that you are there to answer their questions.  Another good idea is to give them another trusted adult to talk to – an aunt, friend, or someone else they can go to.  And let that other trusted adult know that you’re paying attention (see #2).

9.         My child seems agitated and irritable, but won’t respond to my questions – how do I find out what’s wrong?

Irritability and agitation are often just the result of a bad mood, hormones, a frustrating day, etc.  But they may also be the outward signs of something more significant.  It’s important for your children to know that you will listen if they have something to ask you or share with you, and that it is your role to take care of them.  Your child may feel safer talking to an objective person (a psychotherapist or other adult) if the behaviors become severe and/or persistent.

10.         From what I hear from my child, I am concerned about some of the behavior of my child’s teachers.

It is very valuable for you to model advocacy and assertiveness for your child.  Let your child know that you will address the concerns, adult to adult, in an appropriate manner.  Ask your child if there is anything he or she does NOT want you to say to the teacher, and respect your child’s privacy.  Try to maintain balance and composure when addressing teachers – remember, they spend a lot of time with your child and have the potential to be a very influential and beneficial figure in your child’s life.  Try to maintain objectivity and remember, there’s always another side!

11.          Is it better to set firm limits with kids or promote their independence and decision making?

Both!  Young children thrive on limits, structure and predictability.  To be effective, limits should be reasonable and logical.  As they grow older, children need to explore their worlds and make their own mistakes, but even older adolescents benefit from logical rules and limits.

Teenagers

12.         How do I handle the conflict with my teenager?

Remember that teenagers are trying to manage and navigate a tough transition, while weighing the thoughts and opinions of those around them – most importantly their peers and you.  Try to remain calm and open.  It’s important that teenagers know they can talk to you when they need to.  Also remember that even when it seems as though they are ignoring you, when you talk to them with respect and acceptance, teenagers do tend to listen.  Foundation for a solid relationship in adolescence begins when children are young, but it’s never too late to establish a great relationship with your teen.

Family Resolutions

13.         My spouse and I disagree about how to handle our child’s school problems – how can we best resolve our differences?

As with any disagreements, compromise is always best (not always easiest, but best!).  You probably both have useful suggestions to contribute, so try to consider all of the options.  Be sure that your child does not feel shamed or judged about his or her behavior and be sure that your conversations with your spouse occur in privacy.

14.         How should our family compromise (see above)?

Try to set a time aside when everyone is calm.  It is important to acknowledge that each person’s opinions are valuable.  Promote open communication and be sure to allow each person to express thoughts and beliefs.  When all opinions have been shared, the parents still need to make the decisions based on what is best for each family member!

15.         My family life feels like chaos to me!

Try these few simple strategies: closely examine the schedule you and your family keeps – is it really chaotic?  Are family members overscheduled?  Does each family member have time to themselves, to relax or engage in an activity each person chooses?  Examine one entire week and jot down what you observe. Then decide if a) it really is chaotic or b) one or two days/events/people are making you feel disorganized or out of control.  Decide if anything can be moved down on the list of priorities, or tossed altogether. Also, is there flexibility, or is every Sunday “laundry day” and every Thursday “pizza night”?  If only one person is making the rules and there’s no room for discussion, other family members may feel stifled.

Divorce

16.     How and when should we tell the kids we’re getting divorced?

This question depends upon so many factors, including age of the children, circumstances of the divorce, level of conflict, expectations, etc.  Children do best when they are provided reliable and clear information from their parents.  Most children can withstand a substantial amount of change when stability, communication and support are provided.  You do not need to have all of the answers – that is not realistic in divorce or in the world.  But when children feel parents are being honest and present, the negative impact of this transition may be lessened.  One key factor always proves true – anxiety around divorce and separation is minimized when parents are respectful and appropriate towards each other.

Posted from online readers:
My 6yr old is very mean to his 5 yr old brother.  This has been going on for over 2 yrs.  We have done special things for our 6 yr old on a consistent basis to provide feelings of security (can stay up late, out to lunch w/ mommy….) but at any given moment he’ll turn on his brother (mostly verbally) completely unprovoked. Is this normal? He acts like he just hates his younger brother.

Although some sibling rivalry can be expected and jealousy of another sibling is fairly common, it is important for your older child to understand that aggression, in any form, is not OK and that you will not tolerate it.  It’s also important for your younger child to know that you will intervene if necessary.  As parents, it is important to foster healthy and empathic relationships among siblings, and to encourage prosocial behavior.  Although leaving them to work it out independently may not work without somebody getting hurt, you can model negotiation strategies and compromise.  Some research suggests that it is more important to encourage positive behaviors among siblings than to spend so much focus trying to put an end to conflict (http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/07/100719111953.htm).  Your older child may also be acting out his frustration about unrelated factors on his brother, so when you do spend that valuable alone time with him, gently explore whether something is bothering him and help him identify more appropriate ways to express those feelings.

My daughter doesn’t seem to like playing with other kids. Even when kids her age come up to play, she’ll often just ignore them or walk away. She likes playing with adults she knows, but not kids.

She’s almost three, and we’ve noticed that some kids are playing with each other already. Is her behavior something we should worry about? If not, when should we expect her to want to play with others?

At this age, it would be expected that she would be interested in other people, engaging in some types of play and imitation of others.  Her imagination may also be developing and she is probably able to play with a wide assortment of toys and games.  If your daughter is interested in playing with adults she knows and she plays with them appropriately, it is probably a little early to worry.  However, continued encouragement to play with children her own age is a good idea and lots of consistent access to other children is also important.  If she is isolating herself from peers at 3 ½ – 4 years of age, invite someone over who may have similar interests or have her spend time with one or two children, without you present.  It is also important to consider her temperament – is she content playing independently or with you/other adults?  Is she capable of interacting appropriately?  Does she have interests and is her play appropriate?  Does she know how to approach others to ask to play?  Do you model those kinds of behaviors?  Your daughter may be the type of child who develops close friendships with one or two peers, rather than a whole group.  Continue to gently encourage peer relationships as she gets older so that she doesn’t feel left out when she enters school by providing access to other children in settings that include her interests.