Does child sexual abuse really occur so frequently? It’s a good idea to stay calm when this topic becomes media frenzy and not panic. However, it’s also a good idea to know the facts about the prevalence of child sexual abuse, and about perpetrators. It is estimated that approximately 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be abused in some form by their 18th birthdays. Think of your daughter/niece/neighbor, etc., and imagine four of her friends. One has already been abused, or will be, in some manner. Please do not assume that affluence or the right neighborhood or culture will protect you from sexual abuse because that is simply untrue. Victims of sexual abuse typically know their perpetrators very well, and child molesters work very diligently to earn the trust of family members. So don’t worry to the point that you don’t permit your child to go outside your house, but stay cautious, educated and involved.
What is the “age of consent”? This is the age at which a child can legally consent to engaging in sexual acts with other people in their age range. In Georgia, that age is 16 years old.
How can I talk to my children about sexual abuse without scaring them? Start early and have frequent conversations about privacy, boundaries, safety, and rules. Use themes on TV shows and movies to help direct conversations. Your young children should know that their genital areas are private, and that they have permission to tell others not to look at them or touch them there. It’s a good idea to name specific people in the child’s life as examples of people who should not touch them or look at them. Teach your child about intuition – if it doesn’t feel right, they should tell. Be sure your child knows that he or she has your permission to say no to an adult if they feel uncomfortable about something!
I’m sure I don’t really have to worry about child sexual abuse – my child is always at school/daycare, or with family members. Right? Most child abusers are family members or people very well known to children and their families (see #1). Beware of adults or older kids who voluntarily spend extra time with your kids (without compensation), or request extra time alone with them. Adults and older kids should have interests other than young children! Communicate with people who have contact with your children and be sure they know that you are involved in your child’s life.
It’s too embarrassing for me to say those words – won’t my child learn about sex at school anyway?! Practice in the mirror. Then practice again. Avoiding conversations about sex and sexuality teaches your child that it’s not OK to talk about their bodies, their body parts are shameful, and communicating about them is against the rules. We want to be sure our children know that they can come to us with questions and communicate with us even if they feel embarrassed – parents need to model an open attitude! And, do you really want your child to learn about sex from friends at school?
My child seems agitated and irritable, but won’t respond to my questions – how do I find out what’s wrong? Irritability and agitation are often just the result of a bad mood, hormones, a frustrating day, etc. But they may also be the outward signs of something more significant. It’s important for your children to know that you will listen if they have something to ask you or share with you, and that it is your role to take care of them. Your child may feel safer talking to an objective person (a psychotherapist or other adult) if the behaviors become severe and/or persistent.
How can I promote self-confidence and independence in my children? Young children thrive on limits, structure and predictability. To be effective, limits should be reasonable and logical. As they grow older, children need to explore their worlds and make their own mistakes, but even older adolescents benefit from logical rules and limits. Help your children build self-confidence and resilience by encouraging independence, problem-solving, risk-taking, and self-care. You can provide guidance and support while also recognizing the value of your child experiencing and managing frustration, disappointment, and failure! “Helicopter parents” contribute to their children’s anxiety by sending the message, “I don’t trust you to make appropriate decisions, therefore I must make them for you.”
How do I handle the conflict with my teenager? Remember that teenagers are trying to manage and navigate a tough transition, while weighing the thoughts and opinions of those around them – most importantly their peers and you. Try to remain calm and open. It’s important that teenagers know they can talk to you when they need to. Also remember that even when it seems as though they are ignoring you, when you talk to them with respect and acceptance, teenagers do tend to listen. Foundation for a solid relationship in adolescence begins when children are young, but it’s never too late to establish a great relationship with your teen.
My family life feels like chaos to me! Try these few simple strategies: closely examine the schedule you and your family keeps – is it really chaotic? Are family members overscheduled? Does each family member have time to themselves, to relax or engage in an activity each person chooses? Examine one entire week and jot down what you observe. Then decide if a) it really is chaotic or b) one or two days/events/people are making you feel disorganized or out of control. Decide if anything can be moved down on the list of priorities, or tossed altogether. Also, is there flexibility, or is every Sunday “laundry day” and every Thursday “pizza night”? If only one person is making the rules and there’s no room for discussion, other family members may feel stifled.
How and when should we tell the kids we’re getting divorced? This question depends upon so many factors, including age of the children, circumstances of the divorce, level of conflict, expectations, etc. Children do best when they are provided reliable and clear information from their parents. Most children can withstand a substantial amount of change when stability, communication and support are provided. You do not need to have all of the answers – that is not realistic in divorce or in the world. But when children feel parents are being honest and present, the negative impact of this transition may be lessened. One key factor always proves true – anxiety around divorce and separation is minimized when parents are respectful and appropriate towards each other.
How can I make sure my kids aren’t negatively impacted by my divorce? While each family and child is different, it is important to shield your children from your conflict as much as possible. Divorcing parents must shift the relationship to that of a more business-like one, where the goal is to raise healthy and confident children. The most effective coparents work together, identify shared values and goals for their children, and put the needs of their children first. Children who fare best after their parents’ divorce are those who are kept out of the middle, and are encouraged to maintain healthy and loving relationships with both parents, and all healthy family members.
Family Psychology of East Cobb | 404-592-1981 | Merchants Walk Office Park: 4180 Providence Road Suite 300 Marietta, GA 30062